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Eagerly Awaiting Bliss... [
5.15.06 - 12.47am
[ mood | peaceful ]

I'm glad I have this livejournal here, even if I hardly keep it updated. Because for those times when my whirling thoughts reach that awful speed that's just too much to handle.. I can let them all out here. You know I once heard that a study was conducted to see what all the major geniuses in philosophy, science, etc. had in common... and the one thing they found was a place of solitude, existing solely for the purpose of thinking. People like Ben Franklin and Leonardo Da Vinci each had a certain location, be it a treehouse or perhaps a spot out in the wilderness, where they retreated when the world just got too much. And perhaps when left to ponder like that, they came up with their outrageous life-altering ideas. It makes sense if you think about it. All those great minds gave themselves time to specifically sort their thoughts and let their minds wander... almost like a dream.. but while fully conscious. Genius... literally :) Anyway... I've finally struck peace within my nonstop lifestyle. It didn't come easily, and in fact wasn't even my choice... but nevertheless, rest and peace has finally arrived. After 8 weeks of constant doctors, medical tests, drugs, and sleepless nights... I'm finally feeling somewhat stable again... and from here on out, I'm going to appreciate life. Because in a weird way... getting horribly sick has allowed me to take it slow, and realize I need to appreciate the little things in life. Like naps. Lord knows I am going to be so much more pleasant with time for naps and resting and ADEQUATE AMOUNTS OF SLEEP!!! Like... more than 3 hours a night!!! I know, my life is so shockingly busy... everyone practically dies when they hear I'm lucky to get 3 hours of sleep a night. But now, I'm turning over a new leaf. And I am SO much more joyful already, just out of anticipation for time I have always wished to have. Time to lay out on the beach, and drive to get frozen yogurt, and call my sister, and build friendships I should have been strengthening all year... time to leisurely do homework, read pleasure books on the side, and maybe even download a new song or two... providing the dean of admissions doesn't track down my ass. I swear to God she's the most intimidating woman I've ever seen in my life. Which is all completely meaningless information.... but the fact that I have the time to divulge this meaningless information is what's creating this instantaneous happiness. I hope it's contagious.

Onto more recent events, I've had such a wonderful past few days. I officially quit my job last week, and although I will no longer have the funds for the luxuries I would like, I am so relieved to know the rest of this year is mine for the taking. Provided I don't overexert myself, I plan to live up this last month like so many freshmen were able to do. I'm bound to make this year memorable and exciting and everything I thought it would be... Can you tell I'm excited or what??? So on Friday I was finally able to go out with Nathan to this apartment party for Dave. Preeti and Nathan and I all met in my room and kinda partied and got ready for a little bit before heading towards the apartments where a bunch of Hemet people were all congregating... Hemet people will always stick together!!! It was nice to have an eventful night that didn't consist of sleeping, taking medication, and watching tv or something that allowed me to "rest." We didn't stay long, and it was easily something that I could handle... so I still have to be smart about what I do... but I had a wonderful evening. Then Saturday was spent driving to see the amazing Hemet Chamber Singers perform at Fullerton College. We barely made it on time, but all the awful traffic was worth it. Their blend was just outstanding, and watching all their hard work come together made me proud to call myself a veteran!!! They have such a closeknit group this year... it honestly seems like the drama was minimal... and their bonds of friendship were even evident on stage. Nathan and I even followed them to Disneyland for the awards where I got to hang with my mommy and sissy and all the crowds? haha. It was awfully crowded, but like I said... all worth it. They definitely deserved that Gold, and I am so proud of all of them. Today I was able to see my family again at my Grandma's, and I immensely enjoyed myself. I'd go into detail about this weekend, but I believe it's obvious that I could go on forever!!!!

Final thoughts... the future is as bright as ever... I miss my family, and am awaiting a wonderful summer with my sister by the pool!!!.. I finally have clarity of mind and appreciate life so much.... And I finally know the meaning of optimism.

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Rain Rain... GO AWAY!!! [
4.4.06 - 8.05am
[ mood | cold ]

Usually... I'm all for the rain. When everyone else wants to sit inside and stay dry, I'm outside barefoot & in a tanktop... absolutely loving the drops on my skin. Too bad today I have to walk in it for 30 minutes to class... I think it's only fun when it's voluntary :( Oh well... my Bruin Boys lost last night and I have to say I am a bit disappointed. Not because I'm a sore loser, or because I think the Gators really should of lost... but because we didn't give it our all. We didn't have any of our normal strengths last night.. offense, defense, shoot only Farmar was having a decent night. If it had been a really close game, it would have been alright... but this is just as bad as the USC football game... I thought we'd learned not to have bad nights when it counts?!? Anyway, we started our last quarter yesterday, but I haven't had any classes yet since I'm off on Monday and Friday.... to work. Which is going better than before, but still not great. My boss has decided not to come in lately, so I haven't even gotten my paycheck in a long time.. and I'm pretty sure that's not completely legal, but what am I going to do? Sue a lawyer?? I finally have art history classes and I am SO excited!!!!!!! Modern Art, too.... my favorite!!! I have so many aspirations for this quarter... and it's my last chance to fulfill them. I just feel so off balance when I'm not perfectly well-rounded... I need just the right amount of academics, social life, extracurriculars, fitness, work, relaxation... it's all so much to squish in to my schedule. But somehow I'm determined to do it... somehow. Ooooh here's an update on the love life for all of you: Saturday was our 2 year anniversary, and our plan was to sit around in our sweats & order in food or something... while watching a sappy romantic movie and having fun just being cozy and warm. But after the bball game, Nathan was like why don't you get dressed for dinner... you're going to need to wear something pretty nice. Long story short, we ended up going to the tightest fancy restaurant that's decorated all crazy with a million candles on the inside, and loud music going... and some type of amazing bar in the next room I guess. The waiter asked what kind of wine we'd be having... but we kept it all honest.. hahah. Besides our chilled bottle of evian was expensive enough. Our dinner was absolutely AMAZING... and I felt soo fancy.. especially because to get in, you had to be looked up on a list before they'd even open the ropes to you. TOTAL VIP STATUS, man.. hahah. Oh AND I got pretty tulips... AND we came back to the dorms and made pretty foo foo drinks...  basically... the best night EVER. And to completely change the mood... time for my first class of Spring Quarter.... and time for lots anf lots of RAIN.

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a new beginning [
3.28.06 - 1.46am
[ mood | awake ]

Sooo.. I used to have a livejournal. And I suppose I could easily update it & delete all the old entries. But I'm just not that kind of girl. I like fresh starts. I like new beginnings. I like change.

Right now.. I'm completely avoiding sleeping even though I NEED sleep for tomorrow. A few friends & I are getting a hotel in Anaheim and staying there for a while, going to Disneyland, perhaps ice skating, shopping, EATING... basically trying to cram some sort of excitement into Spring Break. It actually took so much stressing and planning that I'm not even looking forward to it.. but at the same time, I'm not going to cancel after all that work. It will probably rain and ruin all our plans... and I can't wait. I'll make hot cocoa in our lame ass microwave, break out the cranium.. and make everyone sit on a pillow in the floor with their socks and pjs on. And it will all work out.. because if we have nothing to do.. THAT'S JUST IT. We have nothing to do. Beautiful.

Winter Quarter is finally OVER.. and I honestly don't remember half of it. I think I was too busy to just stop and realize how amazing it actually was. And now that I've stopped to analyze my college life thus far... I realize that I've missed my college life thus far. I have so many aspirations that I'm just not fulfilling.. and I'll never get the lost time back. I feel like I'm a failure so far in college. By my own standards.. I am a failure so far. But the weird thing is.. I've come to terms with it. After much thought. See, all throughout high school I always had to be so perfect at everything. And I got into UCLA... and everything worked out... and the stressing paid off. So maybe I should chill out a while. And enjoy what all my hard work brought. I've made so many mistakes already, and now that I think about it... I love it. I love feeling flawed, and I should have no problem exposing what I lack. Some boys like freckles.

Even so.. I think I'm going to try and pick up the studying next quarter. Because even though I'm kicking back a little bit.. I'm not losing sight of my goals. And I'm going to be a damn good lawyer. So remember my name.

I decided my one hope is that people don't spend their lives convinced of their opinions, only to realize they've been lying to themselves the whole time. Or that the details didn't really matter. Life is too short to pass judgement. Life is about being true to yourself.. finding joy in every aspect of life.. and actually LIVING. If everyone went out and did one completely unexpected thing today.. I guarantee they'd benefit. Even if all you got was the knowledge that you did the most random thing when you never thought you would. My advice?? Take risks, go crazy.. work hard and live it up. Remember to breathe, acknowledge the power of LOVE, and dance as much as possible. Never give up, make every moment count, and die with a smile.


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